The maunderings of a republican hippie...

melancholy....

2009-10-05T23:57:00.002-04:00

For a wonderful night, I'm oddly melancholy. I'm not sure why, just that I feel off. It bothers me that I feel this way. I've been so strong for so long, and for no apparent reason I feel like my world is collapsing around me. So often I feel as though there is an incredible weight on my chest, and the stabbing pain through my heart is something I haven't felt in a very long time. Thoughts that have not crossed my mind more than once or twice YEARLY are becoming regular temptations. Irrational fears are now recurring themes, and events that I have not allowed entrance to my mind, now plague me regularly.

Why now? What has changed that I now seem so easily to slip into this melancholy state? Where is the victory that I have had for so long?

Silence

2009-10-01T21:43:00.005-04:00

Silence.
No sound from the wind in the grass where I lay, though I see it tremble in response.
No sound from the bending of the ancient oaks, watching me from across the field.
Silence
Unearthly in it's enveloping hold.
Silence.
Storm clouds rage over head, billowing in their terrible power.
Silence
Except for the beating of a heart, pulsing in my ears.

Before me, I see a child running.
He has just turned three, and he looks like his father.
His black curls bounce as he turns to me, piercing blue eyes claiming my attention.
His features are so alive, so vibrant.
I am his mother, and he is my child.
He motions as if beckoning me to follow -
And follow I try, but the distance between never lessons.
I reach, but I cannot touch him.
He looks at me, confused.
He is falling.
He is falling, and I stand reaching; reaching, yet seemingly petrified.
He is falling, and I stand, staring, watching, unable to move.
He looks at me, betrayed.
His Name is Luke, and as I stand, he falls.
He is betrayed - his glowing life stuffed out - and I the betrayer.

The beating of my heart still throbbing in my head...
My body convulses, and I fall.
Then I am still - frozen again, trees bending silently around me.
I am sickened at my failure, sickened at the loss of life.

A small hand touches my shoulder.
Before me stands a boy with mischief in his smile
And so much adoration in his eyes.
He is two, his tight, brown curls accented with the glint of gold.
He takes my hand, kisses my nose, and asks me what's wrong.
I hesitate - fear for this child to be in my care.
I am his mother, and he is my child.
I love him more than life itself.
I stifle a sob as a hand appears to lead him away.
The boy, my son, looks to me with hurt, and confusion, and fear in his eye
Mirroring my very soul
And cutting much deeper.
His name is Daniel, and as I stand, he falls.
He is betrayed - his life handed over to another - and I the betrayer.

Another convulsion wracks my body.
Silence.
The grass is still, the trees stand firm.
The clouds have frozen.
Silence.
The body resigned,
The pulse has stopped.

a dip into the past....

2009-10-01T20:37:00.002-04:00

A Psalm Acrostic
by Bethany Breckenridge (age 14)

An Almighty God art Thou, O Lord,

Whose love extendeth throughout the ages.

Behold, Ye nations, the works of His hands:
Their majesty and glory doth reflect Him.

Creation showeth Thy splendor,

The rain, Thy majesty;

Day and night doth shout that Thou art sovereign,

The sun and moon singeth Thy praises.

Emperors wilt come and go,

But Thou art God, and wilt forever reign on high.

Form us, O God, in Thy perfect image,

That we mightest know Thee better.

Guide us in the paths which we shouldest go;

Let us never stray from Thy way.

Hide us from this present darkness
Within the light of Thy perfect love.

In the secret and quiet place,

Wilt I lift mine eyes unto Thee.

Join hands with us, O Lord, as we travel

Along life's road.

Knowledge and wisdom and power art Thine, O Lord,

Praise be to Thy holy name.

Love beginneth and endeth with Thee, my God,

Help us to portray Thy love.

Make in me a new heart, O God;

And a pure, steadfast spirit within me;

Nearer still art Thou, Lord, than any other,

Yea nearer than mine own brother.

Open the eyes of mine heart, Lord,

My heart longeth to see Thee.

Put away any wrong thing in me,

And let me live only for Thee, Lord.

Questing on toward Heaven, Father,

We need Thee all the way.

Resting on Thy promises are we, my God,

And delighting in Thy word.

Save us O God!

For we need Thee, and Thee alone.

The arrows are falling by our side,

And ten thousand by our right hand;

Use us to bring a better light -
A light in a darkened world.

Verily You have led me in the way I should go,

Open mine ears that I may listen.

Where art Thou, O Lord?

In the midst of my trials I see Thee not.

EXceptionally true art Thou O God,

And Thou art there when I cry.

Your Love extends through all generations:

Let it not pass me by.

Zealous art Thou for good works:

Zealous am I for Thee.

why write?

2009-10-01T20:09:00.004-04:00

So often I wish to sit down and write. I keep a notebook and pen in the car with me to jot down a fleeting thought or whim, while another sits by my bed, begging to be regaled by my days events. So often I feel as though my mind and emotions will explode without an outlet, and so often I sit, silent, motionless, as if to make my thoughts settle with my body; so often I fail.

So often I've written to move, to challenge, to inspire. I've written for assignments, for publication, and for work... all for pleasure.

Rarely, however, do I write for me. To simply express my mind, my feelings. Maybe it's because that's what I did while I was in the clutches of depressions ire, and my emotions seemed more poetic. Maybe it's because I don't want people to really hear my thoughts... or maybe it's because I do, and I know they wont.

I do not flatter myself to think that I have an audience, or that they will be interested in my musings, if they exist.... so, for now, I write, I suppose, for an audience of one.

conflict of interests

2009-09-21T15:53:00.003-04:00

When I look at Facebook the first thing I notice is people's status. John Doe is: Jane Smith feels:...

Well, right now Bethany Abrams is: torn between standing up for what she believes and being PC; between keeping the peace, and Colossians 3. James 3 points out that it's rough to be a teacher, and that they will be held to a higher accountability... I would assume that is because if the students screw up it is because they were not taught well, so it's on our heads to try to encourage, enlighten, instruct, and guide. But why be a teacher if you can't teach? Why be a leader if you can't lead? Why hold strong convictions if you have to submit to everyone else's lack of them? I understand respecting others opinions, but if I'm being forced to ultimately back down in humility and allow the other party to continue on in their ways, should not I be allowed the opportunity to voice *my* opinion and my own defense as well?

If it is one's job to heal people, we expect him to do so, and would respect or trust him if he did not. As a carpenter one is expected to not only build a house, but to build one that is sturdy and will stand the test of time. How, then, is one supposed to lead and teach if having to change one's curriculum to make students comfortable? How are we to be a witness if we cannot offend? The Gospel is an offense, SIN is an offense.

I have found a Strength, and Peace, and Joy, and Comfort, and a Guide, in my relationship with Jesus Christ. Salvation is not the end, but the beginning of a potentially full life when invested in Him. When we come to Christ we do not have to settle for salvation from an eternity separated from God, but also from a life on our own here on Earth! We do not have to go through things on our own, we do not have to look to our own strength to get through daily trials, we do not have to try to make sound judgement on our own, or find peace and joy in and of ourselves! But there is a catch - you can't take money out of a bank if you never put any money in it, you can drink from a glass that you never filled, and you can't expect anything out of a relationship that you only take from!

Colossians 3 gives some pretty clear things that we are supposed to do, Romans 12 tells us to offer out whole lives as living sacrifices unto our God, and yet we cannot give more than the bare minimum to the one who sacrificed His life for ours! Who sacrificed His Son for us! Many of us can picture sacrificing ourselves for something we believe in, or for someone we love, but our son? Our child?

And yet we think we're giving a lot when we give an hour a week back, when it doesn't interfere with our other plans! We ask for additional services so that we can go to whatever is convenient for us, we pick and choose what we attend at church based on our ECA's, and we justify ourselves by saying that "God wouldn't want us to miss out on life..." or "God understands I haven't seen my family in a while", or "my child is talented in sports or drama... God would want them to flourish in the talent He gave them!", and most often, "I rarely miss a Sunday, and I only miss other things if I have something important!" and a myriad of other excuses.

We're settling. We're settling by doing just enough to get by, and by taking just enough from God to get by. We think that an hour or two on a Sunday morning, and serving where it's convenient for us, is excelling. The best of us attend every service at church, serve in some capacity occasionally, and maybe spend 30 minutes a day in prayer and in the study of His Word, equaling, what 7 hours a week in our pursuit of God? If we're lucky? That's just over 4%. We are doing the bare minimum and looking good because some don't even do that.

The ceiling is where the floor should be.

According to my concordance there are 10 times in the Old Testament where the authors talk about our God being a jealous God, always in the context of His people putting time and interests in things other than Him. I say this to myself as much as to my students and family... We need to get our priorities straight! Yes, cultivate your talents; yes, spend time with family; yes, everyone needs to relax every now and then...

But how much is too much? When do we cross over into doing these things out of selfishness, and when do they become idolatry? What percentage of time do we spend with God and doing His will as compared with... work? School? TV? Internet?

I'm not just challenging against filling your time with negative things, but good thing can start to push God into the background, too! Hobbies can take you away from God, and I would venture so far as to say that very good things can also become a distraction,a and detract from your walk with God- things that offend, and frankly horrify most.

Work, school, even your spouse and your family can hinder your walk with Christ, and ANY hindrance is unacceptable! Do you miss time with God either daily or time learning about him at Church because a spouse doesn't want you do go? Or because you feel you are missing out on life? Because school, or extra curricular activities, or house work, just take up too much time? I challenge that before you start removing your minimal time with God, to start making time for family and all of these good, necessary things by removing some not so important things...

Let me offer a guideline to help those who may not be sure how to prioritize and decide what is and is not so important. Can you live without it? What is your quality of life without it? The way I see it is I need a job; I need to provide for the family that God has given me, so that it pretty high up there... But would God take care of me if I didn't have a job? and if I had a job but was on not so great terms with God, what would my life be like? I love my FAR more than I love my own life, and the thought of living without him takes my breath away... but if a tragedy occurs and he is taken away from me, I will need God more than ever to get me through! He is the only immutable thing in a world of mutability.

So back to my original statement. To speak or not to speak? To repeat myself, I have found a Strength, and Peace, and Joy, and Comfort, and Guide, in my relationship with Jesus Christ. I have not always had it, and I have definitely felt what it is to be out of fellowship with God - and I would die before ever suffering through it again... and I was born again at that time! I have gone through daily trials that we all go through, and I have gone through some things that I never hoped to, and I know I haven't scratched the surface of the suffering that some live with.

But the one thing that I know to be true is that through it all I have known peace, and joy, and comfort that can only come from the Holy Spirit; guidance that only He can give... and I want those I love to have that same strength, and peace, and joy! I want them to have this guidance, and I want them to have the confidence that He will never leave nor forsake them! And I want them to have it in the daily stuff, not just when the big stuff comes up!

I want to share this excitement, I want to share this hope, this awesome feeling! I have been called to work with a group of people that I have prayed and cried over for years! This is a group of people who I see myself in, who I have seen go through tragedies, overcome adversity, and flourish into amazing young people. I also feel for some of my family members, who I see going through life surviving when they could be thriving in His strength! They all have the weapon, they know how to use it, and they're simply standing in the battlefield, picking through the mines on their own. And the worst part is that it's the ones who care about them the most who are holding them back in the name of allowing them to go forward. You don't want them to miss out? Miss out on what? *I* would think that you wouldn't want them to miss out on their walk with God... He's going to be there a lot longer than the peers they are with now. You want them to just be able to experience life? Christ came to give life, and to give it more abundantly - sounds a lot better than anything I can get here on Earth.

If you see a child about to touch a hot stove you stop him, you don't let him burn himself! If a student no longer wishes to attend school they are told by their parents - and the law - that they must continue to do so, because it is in their best interest. If an individual stops brushing their teeth, or begins to practice unhealthy habits, they are stopped by those who care about them, because it is detrimental to their health!

Isn't allowing someone to create an ever widening gap between themselves and God detrimental to every part of their being?

Colossians 3 does not only give a list of attributes that we should practice or avoid, but it also tells us to encourage each other in our walks, and to teach and admonish! People clam up at the word admonish, thinking it means a good scolding or judgmental attitude. Oddly enough, according to Webster, the first definition of "admonish" is to caution, advise, or counsel. The only reference to scolding or reproving is done with "a mild or good-willed manner" (definition #2). The one that caught my eye, though, was the third definition: to urge to a duty; to remind of obligations.

Isn't that our job as Christians? To encourage others on in our walk with Christ, and to urge each other to attend to our duties and obligations to Him? And isn't it a leader's job to lead? and a teacher's job to teach? And if you have something that you know can help someone, is it not a sin to keep it from them? Especially if you are called into a position of leadership, or called to serve a group of people? They are put in your life for a reason...

And yet here I sit.

Power of Prayer

2008-04-09T09:53:00.000-04:00

Power of Prayer

There is a sense wonder
Of sweet surrender.
A heartwarming love,
And a total-body excitement.
His presence is felt so strongly
More than at any other time.
No words could describe,
No painting could possess the power
To begin to show the thrill and awe
That His answers bring to those present.
You feel a tremor within you,
And without realizing it,
Your heart is soaring higher, and higher,
At the feeling of His power in this place.
Only God's love and presence could bring
Such a joy and wonder
As is in this very room.

I've Learned

2008-04-03T14:57:00.001-04:00

I've learned...

I've learned that you must love to be loved.
I've learned that you can't know someone
unless they can know you.
I've learned that as easy as it is to give
your heart away, it's harder to get it back.
I've learned that to love it to live, and to
live is to dream - life isn't worth living
without them!
I've learned that waiting is hard, but
stopping once you've started is harder.
I've learned that you don't draw unless
you're ready to shoot, and you don't
shoot unless you're ready to kill.
I've learned to not worry about the little
things, to save myself for more important
things - and to know which is which.
I've learned to love is easier than to hate.
I've learned that some things you have to
learn the hard way to remember them -
and some you still don't.

Ode to P.B.Shelly

2008-04-03T14:50:00.002-04:00

Ode to P.B.Shelley

Part 1
Earth - sad earth,
Where many a war-hardened ruler with
A "sneer of cold command" has lain his whip
Upon the backs of his unwilling followers,
And where the decay of nations,
Shattered by wealth and greed,
Lies in a colossal wreck.
"Down with the monarchy, and to the Devil with those who
Strut through their azure halls, as they
Close their ears to the cries for help,
And close their eyes to the nakedness around them!"
Can one be so heartless? Can one be so cruel?
Where is God in the midst of this?
Where is this Almighty ruler Who
Hath damned all mankind to suffer under His wrath?
How can One who makes such beauty as nature,
Turn his hand against those He has placed to keep it?

Part 2
"We are as the clouds that vail the midnight moon."
Ever changing and molding into
Likenesses that have never been seen before.
Yet things are not all as they seem, for,
Those same clouds often appear as we wish them to,
But disappear without a warning.
Nothing changes - nothing ever will.
The moment you're sure of your footing,
The ground disappears beneath you,
And you are falling,
Falling;
Falling through those same clouds, that
Are no longer a moist vail,
But a raging cyclone of clouds,
Whirling round and enveloping you.
The world is closing in, yet, in a moment,
You are alone in a vast field -
A large void, where you are falling once again.

Wake up people!

2008-02-13T11:35:00.002-05:00

You know, there are a lot of things that I get tired of...

I'm tired of Starbucks coffee being so expensive, and Dunkin Donuts coffee tasting so burnt.
I'm tired of blizzards always being on a weekend so that it never effects work.
I'm tired of "drive to the next window" being the only thing you can understand at a drive through.
I'm tired of miles of highway being coned off with no construction present.
I'm tired of dishwashers that leave residue on glasses.
I'm tired of slice 'n' bake cookies always burning.

We all have things that we grow tired of. If I "had a nickel for ever time" I heard "If I had a nickel for every time _______ happened" in an annoyed tone... well, you get my drift.

The thing is, when something negative happens repeatedly, it can be beyond frustrating! It's the only thing you see, hear, feel, dream, or meditate on (which really defeats the purpose of meditating!).

Well here are my burned cookies right now:

I'm tired of elections being called for one delegate before 50% of the votes are counted.
I'm tired of people of the media that I used to admire slandering candidates out of ignorance.
I'm tired of the "politics" in politics.
I'm tired of people complaining about the government but not VOTING to do something about it.
I'm tired of people who can tell me the latest sleaze about the latest stars, but who can't name the candidates running for president.

Most of all, I am tired of hearing that "Mike Huckabee *is* the perfect candidate, he *does* stand for everything I believe, but he's just not electable so I'm not going to vote for him". IF ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO SAID THAT JUST WENT OUT AND VOTED FOR HIM, HUCKABEE COULD *EASILY* BE ELECTED!

If you have convictions, if you have morals, if you have any back bone at all, you will stand up for the candidate that you believe will stand up for you!

Wake up people! We're not talking about burnt cookies any more, this is your future.

Get Smart; Go Vote!!

2008-02-12T17:41:00.001-05:00

I'm a bit of a political junkie. Ok, not as much of a junkie as much since I got married, am working 30+ hours a week, am a youth director at my church, and am still trying to find the balance between these and time with my husband, friends, two sets of family, church, AND little slightly-less-important things like cleaning the house, writing thank you notes, keeping food in the refrigerator, and trying to shed more than a few unwanted pounds... BUT, politics is in my blood.

Actually, it's not in my blood - that would be coffee, thanks to my dad and my Swedish heritage - it's more of something that has been subliminally (and not so subliminally!) pounded into my scull from 19 years of living at home with my mother... which actually explains the excessive headaches in high school.

Headaches aside, studies show that having certain sounds playing softly and consistently in the background of studies or everyday life provides an atmosphere conducive to heightened sences; Mozart is said to increase brain power and thinking skills, the way that some people must sleep to the sound of a fan, or the way the sound of running water sends children running to the bathroom. Ok, poor analogy, but I wanted to stress the inensity with which background noise can effect you!

The background noise in our house was WABC radio. I was home schooled, so on nice days morning school workd usually took place outside (which is a little hippie when you think about it - that explains some of my tendencies) with my trusty coffee... this was the most poductive time of the day for me, because at about noon I would move inside and either study French with my mom, or start making lunch with her... or both. Once inside, the sound of the radio would begin to steep into my subconcious the way steam makes the rich flavor of espresso surface. French conversations would suddenly stop as a random comment from Rush (not the band, although they are great, too) would stop us dead in our tracks, and the french toast, tofu burgers, soup, or whatever we happened to be cooking, would slowly begin to burn as my attention was diverted to pathetic attempt at an argument from a disgruntled caller.

The day would continue with some project that I would be working on at the kitchen table as I would continue to marvel at my lack of artistic skills, and the increasingly ignorant comments coming from Sean Hannity's "Man on the street" interviews. On one particular occation "Sweet Baby James" was out on the street interviewing passers bye; some were students, some were business men, and some were sky-scraper-staring tourists who were insistent upon blocking pedestrian trafic as they gawked through their camera, straining their neck to see the Empire State Building, Swarovski's crystal ball, or the Naked Cowboy and his guitar. The first question: Who is the president? *Clinton*. Thankfully, most were able to answer that one accurately... the fact that some had to hesitate, though, sent me shouting my disbelief at the radio. The second question: Who is the VP? The answers on that one ranged from Al Gore, to Dan Quail, to George Bush (meaning HW Bush). At this point I was rolling my eyes, the pigment dripping from my paint brush which was now hovering over my painful attempt at landscape. The last question was who the Secretary of State was. I could pretty much understand that the random person on the street could not always come up with the answer to that when put on the spot, but even *I* knew that it was Madaline Albright, so you'd think that ONE of them would guess it!

Luckily for me it was Open Line Friday. You can guess where this is going. Sean Hannity and I became friends that day, mostly because he was in shock that a 12-year-old kid knew more than most adults, and what's more actually CARED about what was going on in our country....

Listening to those interviews directly effected my way of thinking about politics and our electoral system forever. The thought that the people in those interviews - the people who couldn't name the people who were in essence the most powerful people in the world - were deciding who the next world leaders would be was rather terrifying. I began to participate in Gubernatorial and state level races. I followed elections in other states as well as my own. I was given the amazing opportunity to attend the Republican National Convention in NYC my first year in College. I wend to political dinners, forums, and rallies. I drove my peers (and their parents!) insane with the e-mails, flyers, and voters guides that I swamped them with. My goal then is what it is now: to educate voters.

Now, I may sound like a bit of an extremist. Or maybe a geek. Or maybe I just sound like I was brainwashed.

Admittedly, I am just as over-the-top with my favorite sports teams - it's who I am. Super Bowl Sunday I dressed for the success of my team complete wish a Shocky jersey, face-paint, and red and blue hi-lights in my hair. Ok, so the Bull Horn was a little excessive. As far as being a geek, I don't wear coke bottle glasses, or have stereotypically greasy hair. My Red Bull consumption is to get me through a day at work, not an overnight gaming session. My acne-scared face is the result of physical issues, not a lack of caring for an aesthetically pleasing appearance. Despite the "subliminal messaging" going on in our kitchen growing up, I don't even really blame my seeming fanatical thinking on the phenomenal education given to me by my passionate parents.

No, I think the way I do because I care. I care about what happens to my country. I care about what decisions will be made that will effect my children in the future, and the teens that I mentor now. I care about the 1/3 of my generation that has been aborted - and the 1/3 of the next generation that will be. I care about our Armed Forces over seas - for the men and women, brothers and sisters, husbands and wives, sons and daughters, boyfriends and girlfriends, friends and family members who will give their lives for a country that seems to loose respect for them daily. I care about my right to defend myself and my family with if we are attacked in my home. I care about the right for my Nativity Scene to be displayed on the lawn of the municipal building right next to the Menorah, and the sign celebrating Kwanzaa. I care about my students who can be suspended for praying in school, while prayer rooms are being built for Muslim students to be able to worship the way they choose - I care about the incredible bias against Christianity in a country that was founded on it. I care that the sanctity of marriage is being trashed, and that the sanctity of human life has become second to that of whales bugs and rodents. I care that the rights of parents are disappearing, and the rights of the public school system and DYFIS are growing.

Finally I care about the right to publish this blog - to voice my opinions, share my views, and the opportunity to challenge my few readers to think about *their* rights as American Citizens to influence their future and the future of the next generation of Americans.

Take advantage of this right! Take advantage of this power that you have been given! THINK about your candidates, THINK about the issues, and the VOTE! Take charge of your future, and your home, and *vote*. The people elected to your town, state, and federal offices directly effect every aspect of your life, and the person who *you* elect as President of the United States of America will effect the climate of the world over the next four years.
Think about it. Who do you want making those decisions?

Do the research. Don't make your decisions solely on the Hannitys, Gretas, Rushes, Coulters, Drudges, O'Rilleys, Bouers, and Robertsons, and of the world. Don't make your decision based on your friends or family members. Don't base YOUR decision on someone else's. Do the research. Make your own choice. You don't make other life altering decisions based on other peoples opinions, don't do in this this one.

I am not here telling you who to vote for, just to encourage you to take advantage of this honor and (quite frankly) this responsibility that you have been given as citizens of the greatest country in the world.

Having said that, I would be completely removing myself from the very essence of my being if I didn't say who *I* have decided is the best candidate for President - after excessive research, of course.

Governor Mike Huckabee: You have my support - and all of the fanaticism that it comes with!

What is a republican hippie?

2006-10-06T15:25:00.001-04:00

Have you ever watched "Dharma & Greg" on WE? The commercials for it summarize the show in this statement: "She's hippie, dippy, groovy and free; he's... Republican. Hey! Stranger things have happened!"

This irks me. Why is the assumption that you can't love to be in nature, wear flowy, colorful skirts, eat tofu, and like yoga, while at the same time loving the freedom provided through our government and military, be pro-life, on fire born again believers, and want the right to vote out bills that will let us get oil wherever we need to? Why can't we love the earth God gave us without worshiping it? Why can't we make "W"s with our fingers instead of peace signs and still want peace.... even if we know that true peace only comes from God, and peace on earth will only come with the new Heaven and New Earth?

I guess it's a paradox; a solecism if you will.

Kind of like Jesus - all God, and yet all man. The Theanthropic Christ; the God-man.

Kind of like Christians - In this world, yet from another. Here in flesh but not in spirit. In it, not of it.

So, in a sense, I guess we're all republican hippies.